An Admission of Thought
by peachtree3
Summary: Nesta asks Cassian to teach her how to hunt and they have a deep conversation about Feyre, what it means to be mates, and Nesta's future.


An Admission of Thought

Nesta asks Cassian to teach her how to hunt and they have a deep conversation about Feyre, what it means to be mates, and Nesta's future.

-They find out they're mates right after Nesta turns fae

* * *

Some part of herself knew why she sought him before the others, why she trusted him with a truth even she didn't want to recognize. Cassian wouldn't look at her, like she often looked at herself in the mirror. He wouldn't judge her for her ignorance or her flagrant history. He wouldn't look at her with anger or sorrow. He'd see her as someone who was trying. She only wanted to try.

Her request would only fall on his ears, and his alone. She wouldn't bare the ridicule from anyone else. Nesta found him training, saw the glistening of his muscles, the strong curvature of wings, the robust stance of his frame. She tried not to stare, she tried very hard.

He glanced at her with the corner of her eyes, in a mere acknowledgement of her presence. She ignored the offense creeping up her spine. She could see his eyes sparkle; the annoyance just wouldn't stop building. But she came her for business, not to play a game of wit and looks. The words left her lips without another moment's hesitation.

"Teach me to hunt." Cassian paused. Looking her over, scanning her for ulterior motives. Perhaps, he thought she was angry enough to just try murdering him when no one was looking. His silence left her with an itch she couldn't scratch. He continued his training, just as he'd been before.

"Why?" Her eyes rolled. She didn't need to tell him what he already knew. He knew before the words had even left her mouth. "You know why. Teach me."

He stopped completely. His large body towering over her. His size didn't make her back down in the slightest. If anything, it made her even more resilient to the request. No one would do what she could learn to do herself. She repeated once again.

"Teach me." Her eyes softened. An act not only to stir him into action, but a compromise. Nesta would let him in, for a price. A deal to sweet to his curious mind, he wouldn't refuse. She doubted he would have refused either way. Nesta rarely did anything for nothing. This was for her benefit, too. Better to have a friend than an enemy, or just someone who didn't know her.

He nodded slowly, before grabbing a water from the table. She could see his throat bob as he took a drink, she was the one who swallowed. "Meet me tomorrow, and come dressed. We're going for a hunt." The wickedness in his eyes sparked an excitement in her that she did not quench.

* * *

Nesta came dressed in boots and leather. She appreciated these clothes far more than the corsets or layered fabrics she used to wear in the human realm. She loved it far too much. Her hatred for faes didn't value that sentiment.

Cassian stood at the edge of the woods, a long way from the bustling of people and the talk of merchants. He carried an array of weapons across his back, including a bow. Feyre's weapon of choice. The one she used so well to feed them, clothe them, and sustain them. While she did nothing.

She shook her head out of the reverie. Now wasn't the time, but the deep part of her heat wondered if it would ever be the right time. He led her deep into the wilderness, and had her build and place traps on the ground. He showed her first and she followed. "You can catch anything small with these, from rabbits to squirrels. It comes in handy when you really need it." He said.

She didn't doubt his words. It had come in handy years ago. He taught her how to wield a small blade, to skin the coat of an animal, and the best places to hide a trap for optimal quantity. She appreciated the knowledge. She loved to learn, and getting herself dirty when she spent her whole life being clean was a reward all in itself.

It's when he grasped the bow that she saw the curious look he gave her. She inwardly sighed. Nesta knew she couldn't get away with the silence for long.

"You wanted to learn to hunt, for Feyre." She swatted away the insolence. She knew Feyre didn't need it anymore, not even back then. She was capable and strong on her own. But Nesta couldn't help but want to learn just in case. Her body built a strong and solid cage around the beating of her heart.

"I'll never be useless again." She voiced aloud. It was more than that. "I'll never rely on anyone for anything." And once she started she couldn't stop. Someone had to understand, someone had to look at her and not see a person cold and distant. "I'll never let my sisters fend for themselves, when I'm sheltered and coddled."

Cassian tilted his head towards her. "You know, you did suffer, too." Not as much as Feyre had, she implied. Back in that cabin, she had pitied herself before anyone else could, it had almost cost her a sister.

"I know. But I could have done more than I did." Her eyes stung. She almost hated this conversation even more than the body she was trapped in. Almost. Cassian's hazel eyes dug deep into her blue-grey ones. She saw no pity, an act she was silently grateful for.

"It doesn't matter what happened to you, it matters what you do about it." Cassian shook his head in emphasis. As much as she wanted to argue, his piercing gaze stilled her movements. "The past is the past. Feyre's different now, and so are you. It's never too late to be what someone needs. You have a whole lifetime."

His small smile made her heart flutter and a hope she wasn't aware she needed nestled in her chest. Even the thought of living forever didn't make her into a raging monster that wanted to unleash all wrath on the world. The idea calmed her. When the time came, she wouldn't die with the regrets of mistakes made a lifetime ago.

She'd leave no one to question how she felt about them or how much she cared.

* * *

They had made their way out of the forest, when the night sky soon awoke the bright and vibrant stars. She had never seen such beauty before. The expanse made her feel small and somehow, powerful.

Cassian lied next to her, on the dark, moist grass. Silent and contemplative. His eyebrows were furrowed. Her curiosity practically drove her insane. As much as she wanted to know nothing about him, she wanted to hear his thoughts about everything, what he felt about this world they lived in.

His voice calmed her inquisitive mind. "What would your life have been like if you stayed a human?"

She turned away from him, and glanced at the stars. Spirits too far away to hear her many secrets. "Well, if everything went as planned, I would have been married, and I would have produced a few offspring and a steady household." Even to her, her voice was filled with mockery and disdain.

"Would he have been someone you loved?" She breathed in the cool air encircling them. Deep breaths to still her rapturous heart. "You are not afforded love when you are poor, even doubly so when you are rich. I would have married for convenience, at best I would have learned to at least appreciate him."

She dared a glimpse at him, his lips were set into a thin line. The moment paused before he reached the question he wanted her to answer. She'd give him this knowledge of her, if only for today. "What would you have done if you did exactly what you wanted?"

Nesta took her time to think about that one, but it had been in the back of her mind every time even one of her house maids had brought up the topic of marriage. Her gaze followed the spirits held in the vast stillness.

She pointed to the stars, and Cassian's eyes followed her movements. "I would have been there, touching the very ends of the sky and every edge of the Earth. I wouldn't have stopped until I'd seen every bit of what the world offered." Her words were breathy and quiet.

She would have been out there, she would have traveled. But life hadn't been kind since she turned 12 and her mother had died. There was no escape from suffering, no matter how far she journeyed. Cassian turned his head towards her, she only glanced at him through the corner of her eyes, but she saw the mischievous gleam.

"But good for you, you're in this world. Not everyone gets a chance to love this guy." His eyebrows waggled and his expression innocent. She could tell he was trying to be humorous and to take her away from the heavy topic her heart demanded she'd feel. She wasn't in the mood for laughs and giggles.

"My love for you is like a castle in the sky." She said clear and concise. Cold and bitter, a bold statement waiting to cut.

"Everything you've dreamed of?" Cassian answered hesitantly, and with a tilt of his lips. Nesta didn't look towards him when she answered.

"It doesn't exist." She told him frankly. His questions promptly quieted into silence and he looked away. He didn't speak for a while. She thought she turned him away from this conversation forever, but at last his voice was heard. He turned his whole body towards her this time. A question more important than the rest.

"Nesta, I want you to be honest. Were you disappointed it was me?" The mating bond. It would have been so easy for her to take the doubt in his eyes and twist a knife in his fragile ego. To make him regret looking at her like that, with eyes so pitiful it made her want to scream at the heavens for giving her a person so emotional, when she wanted to feel nothing. But the look he gave her wasn't asking for anything but the truth. She ignored his face, his eyes, his lips.

A truth that, although hard to give, was warranted. In the end, whatever answer she chose to relay to him would only be difficult to her. She looked down, saw the leaves and branches that littered the floor below. Speckles of browns and greens, a camouflage to her heart's content.

"No." she turned her head to face him. "No, I wasn't." Her stomach cringed at the words coming out of her mouth. She spoke quietly. Slow so that he'd register the meaning in every syllable. She didn't want to explain any more than that. "If anyone had you as their mate, they'd be the lucky one."

His eyes softened and she promptly looked away. She'd reveal no more secrets today. Even the few she settled left her exhausted and tired. Her eyes drooped and her body yearned for sleep. She lifted herself off the ground, and offered Cassian her hand. His hand grasped hers, and didn't let go. He took his time standing up, and even after he was slow to remove his grip.

That was another secret she wouldn't voice aloud. She didn't want him to let go.

* * *

I was in a writing rut and then all of a sudden I wrote this. I haven't studied, but writing is a stress reliever. Tell me what you think, and see you next time.


End file.
